All part of the service

Last night the phone rang, echoing through the hall.
"Production, Michael speaking" I automatically rhymed off after picking up the receiver. Ka's Mum hesitated, assuming she'd dialled the wrong number, before I realised what I had said, frowned and blustered an apology. Maybe I'm taking this role as a member of S&UN's Customer Service Promise team a little too seriously. The Customer Service Promise is a new initiative to improve on our Customer Care, nation wide, if it needs improving that is, and it's up to our small, specially selected, elite squad to work out how. How do we deal with angry customers, disgruntled advertisers and such like and how do we improve upon it all? How does the company deal with the problems we all face on a day to day basis and how can we make our customers' experience a guaranteed happy one? Unfortunately I missed the meeting today, couldn't be bothered... Only joking, of course, I was covering for my Line Manager, Felix (the cat). Not sure why or who calls him that and I'm not sure anyone does these days - I heard it somewhere in the past five years. I think it may have been one of Mickey Mouse's predecessor... not sure though.
Anyway, today I was given a bunch of managerial training books and a DVD to watch. The main folder is entitled WHAM! with the subtitle "Getting them to do what you want them to do". Sounds like a great title for a wife handling course. Then again, maybe not with the main heading of 'Wham!'. That kind of performance management would probably land you in court.
Good title for an eighties boy band though. No, wait, yes, you'd probably would end up in court that way too.
This is all a result of my annual appraisal, however many months ago, at which I requested to move on up, learn more and advance my skills within the company. As I was learning some new web applications at the time, and still am, I requested a course in Adobe Flash for the possibility of helping out with the online advertising. David, the boss, contacted the relevant hierarchy. The relevant authority came back with the rather unsurprising, 'Computer says no' and offered me a course in Xcel instead. Hmmm, from exciting web applications to spreadsheet and database building... not quite the same. Politely agreeing to look at advancing my database building skills I placed the books in the bottom of a drawer, where they've been since I accepted them.
WHAM!, with its dull, green plastic folder does come with a 'DVD drama'. Looking forward to watching that one. Teaching you all about overcoming the obstacles faced in the office. Losing a stapler, the constant crashing of photoshop, crazy dancing, losing the stationery cupboard key etc. All very dramatic and all ways to improve our customers' satisfaction. Bet you nobody gets killed though. Not even a parrot. Or a pigeon in our case.
A pigeon flew into the office a few months back and everyone, for some reason, lost all sense and reason. Everyone started running, screaming and flailing about the office. I looked up from my desk to see if a Terminator had just stoted in with a Uzi nine millimeter. As most people flailed or cowered in one side of the room I realised, once again, it was down to the mug to sort things out.
After opening the window at my side with a heavy sigh, I simply picked up my coat, raised it up, opened it wide and started leading the pigeon towards the window's opening like some kind of avian matador. After some head bobbing action (the bird, not me) the pigeon eventually got the hint and I gently steered it towards the window. It must have had a small moment of clarity as it seen the light and decided to fly straight towards it at full pelt, where, typically, it smashed into the glass head first. The bird's head bent into some kind of obscene angle giving a heavy crack as it hit and the pigeon dropped like a stone, through the window's opening and into the fresh air. After that crack I suspected it wouldn't be doing much head bobbing for much longer.